It’s tough being a man. Orders of magnitude more so when
you’re a white, heterosexual man like me. Sure, I get paid more and judged less
than the rest of society, continue to benefit from a historic legacy of almost
unchallenged privilege, and due in large part to this privilege have virtually
the minimum possible number of physical, psychological and cultural
restrictions placed upon my journey through life. But just when I think that
maybe I’ve got it ok after all, I fire up my laptop, go online and read things
written by – get this – people who AREN’T white, heterosexual men. Not just
that, but sometimes they’re talking about – and I’m not even making this up – issues
which affect them. It’s as though these
women (and let’s face it, it’s usually whinging women-types who do this,
amiright guys?) have a lifetime’s worth of collective experiences which matter
to them and that they want to discuss in a safe and shared environment, and don’t
even care whether or not such a thing has relevance to me. I can’t believe how
entitled these chicks are, and if I’m honest I'm pretty scared at how easily
they think they can yet again silence and oppress me. Naturally, I immediately call
out their self-indulgent whining, point out over and over again that I’ve got
problems too – thus rendering the entire discussion meaningless – and rightfully
commandeer the conversation back toward things which matter to me. Because we blokes
have a voice which needs to be heard occasionally too, you know.
It’s at this juncture I’ll mention that the above is in
jest. And the reason that I need to point this out – being that there is enough
internet commentary out there to indicate that a lot of my fellow men do
actually think like this – is pretty much why I’m writing this piece in the
first place.
In the world of the internet forum, “whataboutery” – which, for
the uninitiated, is essentially the cheapening of an opinion or argument by
pointing out that someone else has done it or experienced it as well – is
nearly ubiquitous. And among all the different kinds of whataboutery which
abound, surely the most special place in hell is reserved for the one perpetuated
by men who simply can’t bear the travesty of not being the focus of the
discussion: What About Teh Menz?? (“teh” intentionally misspelled, of course,
to parody the rush-typed outrage so often conveyed.)
In a nutshell, what these blokes do goes something like this:
Step 1: Access website (often news-based or a blog of some
sort) where pieces are written and comments on the articles are made.
Step 2: Follow link on the website to a section entitled
“Women” or “Feminism” or something similar.
Step 3: Click on a link to a specific article within the section
entitled “Women” or “Feminism” or something similar.
Step 4: Read (or often, don’t read) the article. Be utterly
gobsmacked that it was in fact about “Women” or “Feminism” or something
similar.
Step 5: Proceed immediately below the line to the comments
section and practically explode with: “BUT WHAT ABOUT TEH MENZ???
I often feel like I must be missing something so obvious it
doesn’t bear an explanation, because otherwise it just seems too easy to ask
what kind of article my dear brothers who
have actively searched out and followed links to literature dedicated to women’s
issues were expecting to find. Of course, the answer for the most part is
that they found exactly what they were searching for. The sad truth is that in
the majority of cases these men have gone out of their way to find specific, female-oriented
virtual spaces not so they can broaden their perspective or contribute
meaningfully to any discussion, but to point out everything wrong with what’s
being said by noting that the issue being discussed – be it violence, domestic
abuse, rape, negative portrayals in the media or harassment in the workplace –
are all things that men can experience too so why are they being excluded? The
inevitable result is an accusation of reverse sexism from “teh menz” and a diminishing
of the conversation as the women are either driven to silence/apathy/frustration/all
of the above or provoked into defending themselves rather than advancing the
discussion.
The thing is, everyone (well, nearly everyone) knows that
Bad Stuff Happens To Men Too. One of the fundamental tenets of feminism –
certainly the kind that I’ve always been able to get on board with – is FHM.
No, not the dearly beloved lads mag, but the concept that Feminism Helps Men. Or,
to put it another way, the patriarchal system screws all of us in different
ways. The pressure exerted on males to be a “real man” – whatever the hell that
actually means – and to project an idealised form of masculinity that they may
not be at all comfortable with so often manifests itself in a wholly depressing
race to encapsulate the worst excesses of the posturing,
hyper-testosterone-fueled “alpha” male (or as I like to call it, a fun game of
who-can-be-the-biggest-complete-fucktool). This pressure and the often
destructive, toxic masculinity it subsequently elicits is described and
accounted for in countless feminist works, and rather than being fuel for yet
another unbelievably fucking tedious anti-feminist
won’t-somebody-think-of-teh-menz rant it is in fact just one more strong
argument in favour of exactly the kind of change that feminism promotes.
What us menz can’t – and shouldn’t – expect is that women’s
spaces (virtual or otherwise) should become men’s spaces. And you know what?
THAT’S OK. This isn’t a zero-sum game whereby any time women discuss issues
relevant to them it means that men have less opportunity to say anything for
themselves. Lads, if you want to express your unhappiness with anything in your
life, create a forum and do so. Annoyed at yet again being portrayed as an
incompetent buffoon around the house in TV advertising? Angry that your paternity
leave is a couple of weeks rather than six months? Outraged that domestic
violence against men receives less attention and support than when it is
perpetrated against women? Raise it, discuss it, seek to change it, and if you
can find the presence of mind to do it in a collaborative way with allies of
both genders (rather than being a dismissive, insensitive WATM arsehole) you
will find that you will receive plenty of support from feminists for a lot of
these causes – because they agree with you.
For all of that though, there remains one key point. Men
still aren’t oppressed. Men still aren’t the real victims. Men’s problems – and
they can be big problems – are still experienced from within a societal and
cultural context of indisputable privilege. We are portrayed as incompetent
buffoons around the house because it maintains the legitimacy that housework is
a female thing (we’re rarely shown being useless at sport or business or flying
space shuttles are we?). Maternity leave is much longer than paternity leave
because society has decided – and still seems to believe – that women care for
children while men go out to earn money. And while male victims of domestic
violence unquestionably deserve all the care and support they need, the level
of attention is lower than it is for female victims because – and I cannot
stress this enough – two of us aren’t
killed every week in this country by our current or ex-partners.
Granted, there are comment pieces written in internet-land
from time to time which so completely lack either perspective or self-awareness
that they might justify a whataboutery response from BTL warriors. And yes,
some of these pieces might even be written by women pushing a gender issue
which probably isn’t there. An article, for example, expressing feminist
outrage around the fact that female soldiers have died in the war in Afghanistan
could legitimately expect a fairly hefty and merciless WATM-style retaliation.
Contrary to what some might believe, however, this kind of thing is very the
minority and not the norm.
Men – and particularly white, heterosexual men – still
overwhelmingly dominate positions of power and influence, and the fact that
some women have deservedly broken through to challenge that doesn’t mean we’ve
suddenly become the underclass and need to flood the blogosphere to
metaphorically take up arms against our female oppressors. Angela Merkel is
more powerful and influential than roughly 3.5 billion men but using her as a
tool to tell women that the playing field is now level and that they have
nothing to complain about is akin to telling an African American in Louisiana
that racism couldn’t possibly be a problem for him anymore because, you know,
Obama and stuff.
The upshot of all this? Women still face issues that men
don’t, and are still going to want to talk about them, share their experiences
of them and affect changes that plenty of men aren’t going to like very much at
all. So I guess all that my brother menz and I can do is keep fighting the good
fight, continue to rail against those almost insurmountable odds of culturally
embedded female supremacy, and await that glorious day – maybe even in my own
lifetime – when straight, white blokes like me might finally get to call the shots.
I can but dream.
-SPR