The Vagenda: Down With The Brown

Occasionally, I find myself in a game of ‘Never Have I Ever', having to justify the pleasure I get from anal. Eventually, inevitably, someone will throw it out there, and then glare around the room, Leviticus-style, seeking the guilty blush of the anal deviant. I always sigh and sip my gin, resigning myself to becoming known as ‘that weirdo who likes it up the arse’. Yes, I have done anal. And liked it. And will do it again.

Despite the nickname, I quite enjoy talking about anal. I like reminding people of (Feminist) Sex Rule Numero Uno: all sex should be enjoyable and consensual. Sadly, though, butt sex has had a fair bit of bad press. Here are some answers to the standard questions my anal confessions spark. Maybe this will help you to explore your own or your partner’s body - or maybe it’ll just get you a little more informed, and possibly a little less judgemental.

OK, so the ‘why would you do this?’ question always weirds me out a bit. I’m a happy, mentally healthy, 21 year old feminist. Why would I ever do anything sexual? For mutual, shared pleasure. Obviously. If I didn’t enjoy anal, I wouldn’t do it. Because that would be creepy.

Right, yes, poo comes from the bum. Equally, however, wee comes from the penis. Yet apparently it’s all right for people to put penises in their mouths. Personally, I get zero pleasure from giving head, mainly - seriously - because that’s where piss comes from. I don’t want dick in my mouth, so I don’t put dick in my mouth. But that’s just me; the rest of society seems to have given fellatio the sexy seal of approval, which is wonderful. But why is the connection between urine and the penis not a turn-off, but poo and the bum is? If everyone is on top of their hygiene, eating their fruits and veg, and you go to the toilet about an hour before, then being down with the brown really doesn't have to involve any brown.

Like all sex, there is an ick factor, but for anal this caught me by surprise. The first time I did it, I didn’t use a condom. That, er, was an error. My boyfriend came in my arse, which sounds kinda porno-cool. Until ten minutes later when I farted. Or sharted? Well, neither and both. Basically, the cum in my butt exploded out with such force I had to check for a hole in my underwear. I found this entirely hilarious (farts and spunk? Comedy gold.) My boyfriend had no clue what was going on, and a combination of his increasingly confused/concerned face and the fact this would probably be the one and only time I would ‘jizz in my pants’ meant I laughed uncontrollably for five long minutes. Later, I let him in on the joke and we dubbed this the 'butt sneeze'. We also opted for condoms in the future, because one novelty butt sneeze is enough to last a lifetime.

The first time I did it, it hurt a bit. Just like loosing my vaginal virginity, the pain came from the skin stretching. But my awesome man-friend and I took things slow, we lubed up and he kept making arse jokes, y'know, to make me feel loved. The vagina self-lubricates; the anus doesn’t - so lube is crucial. Also, my partner had a pretty small penis and I guess that helped. Biological lottery ftw.

OK, so as I already mentioned, I only do sexy things I enjoy, and I do anal, which means it’s a sexy thing I enjoy. But, incidentally, as far as the ol’ ‘all guys want to do anal’ belief, that’s pretty much just a myth. We know this already, kids. We know pretty much anything which starts with ‘all *insert gender* want to do *insert activity*’ is not true. That’s basically Feminism 101. Let’s not patronise our man-friends by assuming we know their preferences because of their penises.

True, people with penises enjoy anal sex because they have a prostate near the anus, which many have claimed is similar to that eponymous female G-spot. Cis-girls don’t have this, so anal sex sensation won’t be as intense as when someone stimulates the clitoris. However, this is true of lots of part of the body which we get pleasure from like lips, scalps, nipples and a tonne of others. From a good amount of research, I know that that I get the tingles when someone touches my butt (also my earlobes and the palms of my hands, should anybody care.) So, yup, no sexual martyrdom, and nope, I’m not ‘putting up with it’. Imma say this one more time for you, kiddo: I genuinely enjoy it.

All sexual activity carries risk, because you’re mixing your body with someone else’s. Condoms, as always, are handy for preventing STDs (and for catching all that cum - again, as always.) Also, bum bacteria and vaginal bacteria are not mates, which is annoying because they’re really close neighbours. Going from anal to vaginal penetration without swapping condoms and cleaning the penis pretty much guarantees an infection. I don’t wipe from back to front, and I don’t fuck that way either.

Try a finger up there first and see what you make of it - no point running before you can walk. Maybe it’ll blow your mind, maybe you won’t care for it. At the very least, it’ll give you a good nickname through Freshers' Week.